Often i blog to share my thoughts, or some inspiration but today i am blogging because its a realization. Such a sad word it is, especially when you finally know how stupid you were (trust me i am laughing while writing this, coz i realized something about myself).
7 months back when i shifted to United States i got tearful goodbyes and puppy faces telling me how much their life would be empty without my presence around it. Note the number*** 7 months, just 7 months. While i was in United States my best friends ( i have (or had) three) messaged me about how much they missed me and all the future plans of what we would be doing when i am back visiting them. It was like an umbilical cord of hope tethering my feelings to their planning and sadly when i was here it was a time to snip snip snip. I did not lift the scissors, they did.
“Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest.” ~Sri Chinmoy
From the moment you decide to move abroad, your life turns into a powerful mix of emotions – learning, improvising, dealing with the unexpected and the only wish was moving back to my home country, meet my family and friends, above all my dog and just be happy for once, once again in my life. How can i forget telling you about a someone who once told me “I will wait for you forever. I decided to choose me, my happiness, forgive him and myself to be free. I still have a place for him in my heart and I wonder how things could be if we could’ve found balance and compromise, but I cannot be the only one making the effort.
And then i was talking to myself “Sometimes, it’s not about us – it’s about them. You shouldn’t take it personally if the other person is behaving badly. Sometimes it’s best to walk away and leave them to it… even though you want to stay and help – it’s sometimes the best way to deal with things. There’s only so much you can do, and there’s only so much you can take”
- None of my friends really had time for me
- None of the people i expected showed me their faces
- unexpected people came to my doorstep and stood by me to show how much happy they were to have me
- My best friend has not met me yet on my 12th day in cpuntry (shez very busy as she says)
About my other friends, well trust me everyone that talks to me talks because they have soemthing to gain from it and i can see it clearly now.
For my best friend:
I have mixed feelings on this part of it. Even though the friend I let go will probably never admit to any wrong-doing, I know she knows and she knows I know she knows. There was a lesson to be learned – a strong lesson on her part. There was never any closure – no final argument, no climax, no discussion. I just stopped speaking to her and when I saw her today and she approached me, I said nothing. I stared at her and spoke not one word. I was angry and hurt. She knew it and nothing needed to be said. She will never ever have a friend like me again.
I was there for her through thick and thin since we were kids. I was the giver in that relationship. She took and took but gave nothing back other than single-white femaling me while maligning me to others and saying outright nasty things in groups of people to embarrass me. She never thought I’d just walk away from our friendship. I’ll bet if she ever does have another close friend, she will not take them for granted. She would do well, though, to choose friends beneath her because she can’t handle relationships with people she feels are more successful or happier than she is. Who knows? She is a narcissist. I think most toxic people are. They tend to justify their own actions and don’t think about other people’s feelings.
There is nothing worse than losing a best girlfriend. It cuts your heart in two and is very painful – not something many people talk about but it does happen. The only thing that was mine and remained mine was my 4 legged fur baby.