It happens to me all the time, especially when i am ill or not well i hallucinate, all the things from past keep pounding my head. Today it’s all about struggling to find a silver lining in severed friendship. Have you ever had a disappointing friendship? well, if you ask me i can give a list…people i tried being nice to, we became friends, we became best friends and then i was forgotten. It happens all the time.
I’m able to adjust to many of life’s cruelties with surprising speed. Like most humans, I’m surprised at how quickly something that seems intolerable at first — an injury, a terrible collaborator, an embarrassing rejection — eventually becomes something that I learn to live with, beside, amongst…. I am talking about friends, the constantly changing friends…
As resilient as I experience myself to be in so many situations, as good as I am at drawing a thick silver lining around an otherwise dark moment, there is one particular version of life’s pains that I feel weak and stupid about processing: severed friendships. Throughout my life I’ve had a few very dear friends that either drifted away on an ever more quickly moving river of miscommunication and disappointment, until I couldn’t see them anymore, or vanished in one fell swoop — as if abducted by alien invaders.
When you are lost in the woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are indeed lost. For the longest time you convince yourself that you have just wandered a few feet off the path, that you’ll find the way back to the trail-head any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are and its now the time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don’t even know from which direction the sun rises anymore.
I used to think my struggle was with the nature of the first kind of loss. I’m someone who craves resolution. I like to know what’s expected of me and I like to show up and I like to have clarity. I want everyone to have the same story about something, especially if I’m involved.
When I’ve had good friends that drifted away into a fog of time and space and words left unspoken, I’ve been hurt, but I always reasoned that part of my hurt was really frustration with the lack of clarity. If only we had just had the courage to face one another like grown women and made a mutual decision that the relationship no longer served us.
I think I’m so bad at letting friendships go… because it feels injurious to me to stop loving someone once I have started, like I’m cutting off a limb, and yet blood will just keep flowing in that direction.