I Need a Closure..

Closure: A feeling that an emotional experience is resolved 

And if you dont get one, you are like an unpredicatble person, you cry, you scream, you hurt yourself with a sharp blade and still the pain stays, those cuts and the fresh blood flowing out makes you feel alive, probably the only time you feel alive, as you see the crimson flow out….  

Why did i survive those crashes, a motionless brain may get me a closure….

Was I bitter? Absolutely. Hurt? You bet your sweet ass I was hurt. Who doesn’t feel a part of their heart break at rejection. You ask yourself every question you can think of, what, why, how come, and then your sadness turns to anger. That’s my favorite part. It drives me, feeds me, and makes one hell of a story  

And what if the problem is you cannot forgive your own self. Those delusions keep coming back as i pinch myself only to realize that its all true, it happened, something that i least or probably didn’t think of happening, that got my insanity at bay, even the mere thought of self-existence started pinching.

I need closure, by forgoving myself , and all the things i did, not knowin the truth, hidden safely behind the beautiful flawless lies, i can hear my heart at the moment, every crack of it, freezing with time, everything shutting inside itself, telling me to hide, hide or run till i fing the closure..

Cursing should have made me feel good, it did made me in past and now i realize i was not venting venom for a someone i did not knew, infact i was just blindly following what i was being told, shutting my senses and overusing the heart to a level that its expired now, it needs service – it needs a closure..it needs to stop to get it….  

I wanna sit at the end of the bridge, alone, so that i can cry the little sobs, and filter my heart of your touch, with all the things i made for you, and tear off each single page of that book, to throw it in burning flames and that glow, problably that light on my face would lit up my soul and give me a closure…

How do you remove something that is permanent, getting it inked in your skin, with a needle of love, something that i would now have to take to my grave, coz it’s immortal and for it to burn, i have to burn and that is what will give me a closure…

Why do we see world with a charm thats imbibed in out illusional mind and it sheilds the mere spark of reality, are we that fragile, easily shattered with the game of words, how do i go back in time, get all those seconds back, the sleepless nights, the doings for getting that one surprise smile, those endless pleasures, yes pleasure, how can i forget that part coz’ i need to and only then i will attain my closure.

I need a closure….

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58 thoughts on “I Need a Closure..

  1. It is amazing how perfectly you desribed that feeling of being blinded, of even denying our own instinct. And although at some point we realize how unhealthy it is it is not possible to detach…. it is like an addiction. I experienced this during this year. I tjought it was love but it was only an addiction. Conclusion was what I tried so hard to get to. It was a tough time until I was ready to conclude it myself. I also felt myself extemely deep duringnthe painful time. But after I letnit go and felt a relief like being newly born I felt myself even deeper. I totally feel what you tell us here.

    1. Addiction – yes that is the word! I feel empty inside and i need to be alone for a little more time which i cannot only if i wish i could buy that time and get myself a closure! Coz’ it bothers more than i thought and its not …i am not getting the word!

      1. I know what you mean although I have no word for that either at the moment. It sounds like just said but time really helps. It is a big dissapointment and a break of trust. That is a wound that needs to heal and that takes time.

      2. It feels like a scar now. Although you don’t understand it in this stage when you look back in some time you will realize how far you came or that you got prepared to trust yourself more in a much more important situation. It will pass and the scar will be a reminder but over time you will draw from it what you need to create something for your future

  2. None of us got to where we are overnight, so give yourself some slack and time to make any adjustments. It’s ok to critique yourself, just make sure it’s not comparing yourself to a “perfect gold standard” that doesn’t exist.. Forgive yourself first and reset your course where you need and want to go. You’ll fall, you’ll detour, but stick with your heart and soul and you will succeed. I have faith that you can do it. πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸ™‡YouπŸ™‡

      1. Thanks George, Christmas went better tan other years so all around IΒ΄m pretty glad. About the baby sitting…..nothing at all can go wrong, except the slight possiblity that grandpa George gets a bit ticked off with so many small monsters playing around with him and he takes out the shot gun from the wheel chair. Apart from that I donΒ΄t see any other problem.

      2. then just concentrate on living your life for right now, OK? This is one of those times when I need my DAD and OLD FART voice to help. Sadly those days are gone and I have to resort to just writing and hoping I don’t mess that up anytime soon. Put your mind on something that makes you happy, nothing too complicated or that needs a lot of emotional involvement. when I need to avoid overthinking life and stuff, I watch old cartoons, old comedy movies and the like. I avoid serious stuff and sad music or the likes so I can make my heart and soul happy or even silly. I have been know to paint my nails and color my hair just to shock my Clan on occasion. I’ve always been a Kid at heart except when it’s necessary to be DAD or an Adult. It’s hard to take myself serious with a multicolored beard and a plastic shotgun that shoots marshmallows.
        ( Ν‘Β° ΝœΚ– Ν‘Β°) Be good to yourself first. and foremost.
        Peter Pan says so (that’s my inner voice)
        πŸ‘€ β™₯ * ͜ * β™₯ πŸ‘€

      3. A friend of mine was travelling during Christmastime 2 years ago, stopped in to see what toys were on sale in a ToysRUs outlet. Saw them and thought they would be the perfect indoor activities for the Kiddies. Sure glad we don’t have carpet or floor vents…………………….. It gives them a lot of arm exercise and makes them learn to focus and steady their aims before pressing the triggers. No noise really except giggles and loud laughter when one gets “poofed” NO pets either in house to watch after.
        πŸ‘€ β™₯ * ͜ * β™₯ πŸ‘€ πŸ‘€ β™₯ * ͜ * β™₯ πŸ‘€ Just one big house filled with more kiddies than real Adults(I’m only one of those when absolutely necessary)
        ( Ν‘Β° ΝœΚ– Ν‘Β°)

  3. I understand this SO much. For different reasons, but I understand. It took me two years to understand I’d never get “closure” and that realisation itself made me break down. I feel better now, and I’ve accepted it, but the idea of closure can be such a painful one.
    I wish you all the best, and I hope you find closure at some point.

      1. I understand that. And I never did. Honestly. No closure ever came for me. I never knew why my friends rejected me when I needed them. I never found out why they left me, ghosted me out, and gaslighted me. I never knew why they suddenly went from someone I was considering having a bridesmaid to someone who blocked and deleted me from their life without a second’s hesitation. I still don’t know. I will never know. They just did. It is beyond devastating – and like I said, your ‘closure’ is different to mine – but it’s still closure. I guess, the’closure’ I eventually took in the end, after all that happened, after my mini-breakdown, was that they weren’t good people. Good people don’t behave that way. That I was the better person, and I had to remember that. That’s the only closure I ever got.
        And while I agree, closure is a necessity – there is a possibility you might not get the closure you seek. Which is the hardest truth to bear. And I hope it’s not the case for you; I hope you do find your closure, in some way, whatever it is that you need.

      2. No, they shouldn’t. But I guess, sometimes, that is life.
        I just really hope you don’t have the same experience. Honestly, I mean that from the bottom of my heart. You deserve closure.

  4. Closure isn’t a need, it’s something we THINK we need. If you can’t get closure, you’re probably better off. Let it go, move forward and start the next chapter of your life with the lessons you have learned.

      1. Yes, I may be romanticising it somewhat but I have to believe it or my scars become too much to bear (if that makes sense?). Nonetheless, I wish you weren’t going through this. It’s not something you’d wish on anybody.

  5. Dear Kruti, I wish there was something magic to say to you about this. It’s easy to say “I know, I’ve been there…” but doesn’t help much usually. They say time heals all wounds…and it really does in a lot of ways… This kind of hurt is the worst kind… wishing you all the best in 2016! πŸ™‚

      1. it’s still more like Fall than Winter…the longer we don’t have snow and ice the better for me…but it is strange being so warm in almost January. A year ago it was very cold and lots of snow. πŸ™‚

  6. I understood this so much. I’ve always wanted… Needed closure. However, I’ve not always gotten it. I’ve learned to move on but I occasionally finding myself still thinking about the issues. I need to feel I did everything in my power to make something work. I hate living with regrets. You express your emotions perfectly. ❀️

  7. Atlanta

    Buckhead offers twelve-dollar sandwiches,
    Parents lunching their children on Saturday:
    Straight from Beemer to deli to Emory to evening
    Wedding to Benz to kids at lunch on Peachtree.

    North Peachtree, where you can’t quite see the smog
    Thanks to trees and art and tacky bars. Southern
    Culture on the skids, but not outside this deli, where
    Leaves tumble with Dr. Brown’s Cream Soda cans.

    All I can think of is you: hamburgers and organic
    Bananas, juices, never soda, and a complete
    Satisfaction. Money doesn’t earn these deli-dippers
    The satisfaction you have. Inner peace even.

    You cook after volunteering, after the kids are
    Down for the night. You go there and back then home
    To ride your bike to work. Teach me how to calm
    Myself won’t you? One point at five points:

    There is no chemistry to teach the zen you have.
    Perfect weather makes yellow leaves stand out.
    Small winds coerce more travel. Sharp shadows
    Waver. One beacon lures me home to paint autumn.

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