I am Anna, 35 years old with an eight year old daughter and carrying two more in my tummy.
It seems like my pregnancy hormones have been on a joy ride. I have started feeling sad or happy at random things. This is a part of my terrible mood swings. Today when I went to the school to attend my Daughter’s Christmas performance, something terrible happened. The moment Jen started singing the carol, i started crying. I had no clue what those tears were for. Clouds of sadness surrounded me. A parent sitting next to me handed me a tissue saying “It’s ok dear, it happens”. What happens??
It has been snowing since morning and it is my favorite time of the year. I love sitting by the window and watching the soft snow fall down covering the green garden into a white blanket. I opened the window panel to put my hand out. As the snowflakes touched my palms, my lips curved into a soft smile. I wanted to run out but at 29 weeks carrying two babies inside me it was not the right option. What if fall down and hurt the babies. Nick would kill me if that happens. Nick was the father of those babies.
When I was lying in the bathtub in the morning I could feel the babies. It’s a girl and a boy. The girl on the right moves a lot while the boy is quite still. When I was carrying Jen, I was so happy and excited but this time sadness surrounds me.
The clock was ticking and the time was getting near. I had tears in my eyes. “Soon I would be parted from the babies” was the only thought I had in my mind. After carrying them inside me for more than 30 weeks I was very much attached to them. I knew their movements and they had my blood flowing through their veins.
“Should I talk to Nick” and the answer was “No”. The babies belonged to him and as per the deal, the moment they are born I have to give them away. I knew it from the start then why am I getting so much attached to them? They are not my babies.
As I sat on my computer table checking email, I hear a beep on my phone. It was an SMS from Nick. He said he had spoken to some lawyer and in order to transfer the parenthood I just had to sign few paper. My heart shattered into thousand pieces. The thought of giving away this two beautiful souls was killing me now. I replied back saying that I am not signing anything that is legal and I need time to think.
Nick and his wife Sara got scared at my reply. Nick is my brother and Sara is his wife. After trying to have a baby for 7 years I accepted the offer of being a surrogate mother for them. I knew it from the beginning that I have no right on the babies but the feeling of being a mother and the hormonal games inside my body was intolerable. I did it for Nick and Sara because I love them and right now I was being selfish.
In next 10 minutes I got an SMS form Sara “You should never have agreed to do this if you were going to hold on to your status as mummy. You have broken my heart.” O cried reading it coz’ she was right.
I had stopped answering calls from Nick and Sara. All I wanted was time to think and settle my mind. Bob, my husband was also trying and explaining me. He wanted me to give away the babies as they belonged to them. Genetically speaking the babies had three mothers. The sperms belonged to Nick and the eggs were not mine nor Sara’s. It was from a young donor. I did not wanted the babies to be mine and Nick’s. We are brother and sister and that would have been something totally awkward. It was just my tummy.
The day came and I was transferred to the hospital. I felt trapped, enclosed, scared and shocked. Bright florescent lights and everything dull and sterile. The room was kind of stuffy and cold. The room smelled heavily of antiseptic. Sweat was dripping from both the sides of my face and long breaths escaped my lips as my mind wandered across.
Push breathe push breathe over and again. Three anesthetists, two pediatricians, a surgeon and numerous nurses all over me.
When they pull out the first twin, they take him away immediately, because he is a bit small. Then they ask a nurse to cut the cord. The second twin appears and I suggest that nurse holds her. I am surprised I don’t feel jealous. When they finally wheel me into recovery, my whole family is there.
And then I was lying on the hospital bed. I waited for the nurse to bring me the beautiful babies but nothing came. And then I saw Sara entering the room with babies in her arms. She had tears in her eyes and as she came to me she whispered “Don’t do this to me”.
It was like a moment of realization for me. I was being selfish. I had no right on the babies. I took Sara’s hand in mine “Take care of the babies” and moved my face in other direction. Sara and Nick smiled. She was thanking me constantly and I just wanted her to go away taking the babies with her and before I change my mind.
Snowflakes hit the bus windows, melt and slide down the glass like big tears. I look out and my stomach is turning over and over in panic. The feeling of giving away the babies was draining me. I had told Nick and Sara not to contact me for some time now. I never expected all this would turn out this way. Sara messaged me saying I could come and meet the babies anytime I want but I opted out of it. The first few days were tough. There was a great hole where the babies should have been, almost as if I had miscarried and they had died. I did a lot of crying.
I decided to fight the situation. I went to meet Sara and the babies today.
It’s the moment I have been dreading for nine months. The moment I have to leave the babies. I bend over the pram and give each a last stroke on the cheek. I am trying to choke down my tears. With all the strength I can muster, I very deliberately turn and walk away. I can hear my own footsteps as I walk up the stairs and out of the front door. I pull it shut behind me.
6 months later
Things are normal now and my relationship with the twins is kind of special. I am all settled in my mind and I often go and visit them. Today when I went there the little girl was crying and Sara was trying hard to calm her down. The moment I picked her she stopped crying and I asked Sara “You think she remembers me?”
“Of course” she said with a big smile and I hugged her with tears in my eyes.