I promised I would tell someone a story
About a unicorn
So I am going to tell the most wonderful story about the most
wonderful creature on earth.
Unicorns are highly wonderful creatures that live in magical forests.
They are friends with all of the other animals and never talk about
them behind their back. Unicorns have magical horns that they dip in
water and make it pure. Sometimes unicorns let the nicest people see
them and touch their horns. That makes those people happy. Unicorns
never grow old and die they just get more and more beautiful as time
goes by. The most beautiful unicorns were born back when cavemen
still lived in trees. Unicorns are so pure and wonderful that they
never poop and pee. They are perfect for taking on car trips.
This is a story about a very special unicorn. Her name was Harriet.
She was the fattest little unicorn there ever was.
One day Harriet was walking around being all perfectly magically
wonderful and fat.
She saw something she wanted to eat so she ate it.
Then she saw something else she wanted to eat so she very promptly ate that.
Harriet was not a gluttonous unicorn. She had a glandular problem.
She was gobbling up very low calorie low carbohydrate things. A low
calorie clover and a diet squirrel.
Then she saw a little girl who was crying. The little girl was very
skinny and Harriet was very jealous until she remembered that unicorns
were way better than people.
Harriet walked over to the crying girl and nuzzled her hair with her
nose. The little girl looked up. Her face was covered with delicious
tears. The little girl immediately smiled and hugged Harriet. That
is one of the benefits of being a unicorn. Everyone wants to hug you.
Harriet made her horn glow because she knew that would make the girl
really happy. It did. The girl smiled and smiled.
Finally after both of their faces were quite sore from smiling Harriet
said “What is wrong little girl?”
She didn’t say it with her mouth. She said it with her MIND POWERS.
The little girl’s smile falter, then waivered, then broke into a
million little pieces. She started crying again like she’d invented
it and was trying to use it all up before anybody else got any.
The little girl was very hard to understand so Harriet used her MIND
POWERS to help her comprehend.
“My parents didn’t do the hokey pokey at their wedding so the judge
said it wasn’t a real wedding and now since I’m a bastard I was sold
into slavery to the French.”
Harriet patted her on the shoulder with her horn.
“Is it the law that you have to do the hokey pokey to make it a real wedding?”
“Yes, but they don’t like spinning around so they skipped it. It’s
such a stupid law.”
“And it is a law that illegitimate children are sold into slavery?”
Harriet nodded vigorously. Tears flew everywhere.
“There is only once solution to your problem then. You must go back
and be a French slave for laws should always be followed no matter
“I’ll never go back there” said the little girl “Croissants give me
Harriet said “Then I shall take you.”
Harriet used her unicorn powers to bind the little girl up and throw
her on her back. She carried the little girl right to the edge of
town. The police were so happy when they found it.
That little girl slaved it up like no one ever slaved it up before and
that was the most wonderful thing ever. It was wonderful because a
unicorn made it happen and unicorns spread perfection wherever they